Chapter 4: Butler and Maid – Part 4
“Let the first ‘Chiki-Chiki-Maid-vs-Butler-Who-Will-Be-My-House’s-Servant-Championship’ begin!”
With Kureha’s dubious scream, a unique match was about to begin.
The rules were simple: Kureha and I were the judges, and the objective was to appeal to Kureha and me to determine who was most suitable to be this house’s servant.
The methods were up to the participants.
This was just like an audition for a new idol group, but there was no precedent for a match between a butler and a maid. No matter how hard the times were, I never dreamt that such an audition would be held in my house.
“Then, let the first round begin! Fufufu, you can come with whatever you want, you won’t be able to ensnare Sakamachi Kureha so easily!”
It seems like there’s an idiot over there having a really good time. Sadly, she’s my little sister. Aah, from what I remember, she’s become excited every time she hears the words ‘match’ and ‘showdown’ ever since she was young.
“Then, I will start.”
Konoe took the first step.
As long as it was inside this house, they could use anything, but anything dangerous was forbidden. These weren’t pro-wrestling rules, but I couldn’t let a deathmatch happen in this house.
Kureha was very confused. All the enthusiasm she’d had just a minute ago disappeared.
Hmm, I wonder if this can even be called a match. As long as she doesn’t do anything outrageous, it’s obvious that Kureha will vote for Konoe…
With everyone in the living room trailing their sights on her, Konoe headed for the kitchen. As expected of her, she was going to use some utensil there.
When she came back, what she held in her hand was— an apple, probably a leftover from breakfast. She returned carrying it on a plate, the apple cut into six perfect slices as if she was a waitress from a café.
Using a fork, Konoe held the apple slice directly in front of Kureha’s face.
She smiled like a sunflower blooming under the summer sunlight.
Without realizing it, I was charmed by her actions.
As expected from Konoe—our school’s prince.
If she came running and said ‘Be my guarantor so I can borrow a large amount of money,’ with a face like that, I would just nod in agreement.
And my little sister’s reaction to such a worriless business smile was…
“Ah, Hau, haaau~”
Kureha ate the apple slice in just one bite, her face blushing so hard that it made me wonder if her head had begun to boil over.
We have a winner.
I thought I heard someone announce that.
What a straightforward match. Without any fuss, Konoe managed to knock Kureha out splendidly.
Kureha kept chewing the apple while spacing out. She was completely devastated. The apple could’t even be called the prohibited fruit anymore.
Anyway, this was an overwhelming lead in the first round. No matter how you looked at it, Suzutsuki was going to lose…
“Then, it’s my turn now.”
…You’re kidding me.
Shaking her apron-dress, a single maid walked gallantly over to Kureha – Suzutsuki Kanade.
Even after seeing Konoe’s approach, her confidence wasn’t even shaken a bit. This was somewhat ominous. Her face seemed to be saying that what Konoe did was below her expectations.
Suzutsuki was now conversing charmingly with Kureha.
“You lent me a room last night, remember? There’s something I need up there, but it’s too heavy for me to carry alone. Would you be so kind as to give me a hand?”
“Fufu, then shall we go?”
After getting Kureha to agree, Suzutsuki took Kureha’s hand and dragged her to the second floor.
The room we lent to Suzutsuki was… my mother’s room right? Was there something that big in there? Now that I thought about it, there should be a two hundred kilogram barbell there… What were they going to do with something like that? If Suzutsuki could even lift that, I would be very surprised.
“Phew. Looks like I win this round.” From beside me, Konoe was already celebrating her success. “Even if it’s Kana-chan, she just can’t do it this time. As a butler, there’s no way I would lose in a contest like this.”
I wanted to retort by saying that her being a butler had nothing to do with the method she used just now, but I managed to restrain myself. On that note, just now…
“Is it really that straightforward? Suzutsuki is definitely plotting something.”
“Ha, you worry too much, Jirou. I just told you. There’s no way a butler like me can lose this battle.”
I guess it’ll be fine if that’s the case.
But that face Suzutsuki had made just now really had me worried. She was so filled with confidence that she could stay cool like that. As if she was sure that she would win.
“Ah, they’re back.”
Suzutsuki and Kureha came back to living room walking lightly… Huh? They’re both empty-handed. Looks like they didn’t manage to bring it.
“…I have something to tell you,” Kureha said in a monotone voice wearing a heartless expression.
Is it just me or are her eyes strangely unfocused? And her cheeks are bright red, too. She looks as if she’d been in the bath too long.
“Onee-sama wins the first round by Knock Out.”
She held Suzutsuki’s hands high, like a referee announcing the winner of a match.
Konoe became speechless upon witnessing the situation. Her mouth was wide open, like that of one of those dolls ventriloquists used.
In that situation, only one person – Suzutsuki Kanade – was nodding in agreement.
“That… That can’t be true. What happened?”
Being unable to agree with the results of the match, Konoe started objecting.
Yeah, I understand how you feel. I don’t get it either.
If I considered the possibilities, the only thing I could come up with was that after going to the second floor, Suzutsuki managed to somehow persuade Kureha to declare her the winner.
“Kureha… What did Suzutsuki do to you?”
To clear up the mystery, I had no choice but to talk to my sister, who was clearly still dumbfounded.
“…Nii-san… You see…”
For some reason, Kureha’s face was dyed pure red from ear to ear after hearing my question.
“I might not be able to get married anymore…”
Reflexively, I started screaming.
“What’s up Jirou-kun? Screaming like that…”
“Don’t ‘what’s up’ me! Just what did you do to my sister?”
“If you want to know so badly, I’ll just say that I gave her a shoulder massage.”
“A shoulder massage?”
“Well, Kureha-chan seemed to be so tired from training that I just had to massage her a little.”
Was she serious?
I thought about confirming her claim with Kureha… But I was too late. My little sister was already lying—no, melting onto the sofa.
It almost looked like her hipbone was broken.
I averted my eyes from that sister of mine who was not in any way acting like herself. I couldn’t take it anymore. What she looked like right now could only be described as ice-cream melting on hot asphalt.
What kind of massage did she use to make her become like this? Actually, I think ‘giving her a shoulder massage’ was just bullshit; she must have done something far more dangerous.
Without pausing to consider anything, I glanced at Suzutsuki. When I did, the temporary maid smiled at me, showing the tip of her red tongue.
I’d already known it before, but she was not normal!
“Fufu, let us proceed with the second round. The next referee is Jirou-kun. Subaru went first in the last round, so this time, it’s my turn.”
Chills started racing down my spine. No, seriously. Chills of an unknown nature were running up and down my back, and my entire body was shivering. Was my grandmother who died three years ago riding on my back? This was all that wolf-woman’s fault.
“You don’t have to be so afraid, Jirou-kun. Your back doesn’t seem to be so stiff, so this time, I will do what Subaru just did, I’ll attack with a straight ball.”
Saying that, Suzutsuki reached toward the plate of apples.
Don’t tell me she’s going to do ‘that’ same thing that Konoe just did? If so, I’ll have to keep my feelings under control. The Suzutsuki now is a maid who wouldn’t be ashamed of going anywhere in those clothes. If I relax, I may just lose my consciousness in a second.
But… this Ojou-sama easily surpassed my expectations.
A small piece of apple cut by a fork.
Surprisingly, Suzutsuki took that biscuit-sized piece of apple and put it inside her mouth.
The shock made me speechless.
This is… Huh? Isn’t this that horrifying game they call the ‘Pocky Game’(1). But isn’t that bad? This is a piece of apple. It’s not even two centimeters long.
“K-Kana-chan… That’s going too far…”
Konoe started screamed while blushing. Isn’t it me who is supposed to be blushing in this situation?
She will settle this with a straight ball.
This is the straightest ball that one could imagine.
But it was a big leap from what Konoe just did. The difference was like a high school baseball team and a major league team. This is a straight ball travelling at over a hundred and sixty kilometers per hour. A straight ball that could be compared to Randy Johnson’s.(2)
Do you have to go that far to win! Suzutsuki Kanade?
It seemed as if Suzutsuki got pissed that I didn’t do anything and started moving the apple up and down with her lips.
This is bad. If this keeps up, my heart will become like Chernobyl. Does this woman want to make me have an unforeseen heart attack and bury me?
While holding back my racing heartbeat, she brought the apple closer and closer to my mouth.
I can’t run away from this.
If I run away now, I would be an ultra-chicken bastard. But I can’t let Suzutsuki touch me. If I touched her in this condition, I would probably pass out immediately.
I felt like a member of a bomb disposal squad. My mouth approached the apple slowly, as if I were cutting a wire with a set of tiny pliers.
This woman, she actually closed her eyes. Hey, her eyelashes are long! Wait, this is no time to think about that! I have to get out of this situation right now.
*crack* I heard something, and the piece of apple broke in half. At that very moment, I flew away from Suzutsuki.
Aaah, this is bad for my heart. My head is spinning.
“Then, next up is Subaru.”
Suzutsuki said that casually, as if nothing had happened. What was up with her calm act? I felt like I was going through a battle scene from one of those Jackie Chan movies.
Konoe bit her lip frustratedly.
That was an understandable reaction after seeing such a high speed ball. Now was the time for her to just gracefully accept defeat and return to the mansion.
“…Not yet. I will not give up being a butler just because of this tiny setback!”
“No, let’s give up.”
Konoe swallowed and became visibly enraged with what I just said.
“What are you talking about? My pride as a butler is at stake!”
“Just think about it! A butler who loses to his master in a battle of servants! What would you do if you met such a butler?”
“I would, without any doubt, fire him.”
“See? And it’s not easy finding a job nowadays! Soon, I will be living on the streets!”
Konoe was screaming some very realistic things, but this match was no longer just a match between butlers and maids. It had already become a chicken race to see who could do the most extreme things.
“This is the one battle I cannot afford to lose!”
Saying things like a soccer CM(3), Konoe reached towards the plate with the apple.
Was she planning on doing the same thing as Suzutsuki? That may have had massive destructive power, but doing the same thing won’t make her win… Will it?
I had no idea what she was thinking, but Konoe put the apple she held into her mouth.
And just like that, she started chewing it. What was she doing? Was she hungry? It was still quite some time till lunch.
“I see, you did think it through.” For some reason, Suzutsuki was looking at Konoe, eyes filled with admiration while she continued chewing on the apple. “Jirou-kun, you should brace yourself.”
“What? What do you mean by that? Do you know what Konoe is going to do?”
Suzutsuki spent a few seconds pondering before answering. “Mouth to mouth.”
“Yes. That’s what she’s going to do. Mouth to mouth. Feeding you mouth to mouth. She is trying to feed that apple to you directly.”
That cannot be.
Reflexively, I looked atKonoe. It seemed like she had stopped chewing the apple and was looking directly at me.
Her eyes are sucking away my soul!
“Don’t, don’t be rash, Konoe! This is not a straight ball anymore, it’s a death ball!”
No, seriously. This is really a bad ball. It’s impossible to catch that ball. Someone please call the Yakuruto Furu(4) fast.
“What’s wrong? This isn’t your first time,” Suzutsuki said while looking at us.
Huh? What did she mean by that?
“…Huh? Don’t tell me Subaru didn’t tell you anything? About that time you almost drowned in that theme park last month?”
Suzutsuki mumbled before falling silent once again.
Konoe, with a dreadful expression, stuffed the apple she was holding into Suzutsuki’s mouth.
What was she doing? That was a very original way to feed someone. After stuffing the apple into Suzutsuki’s mouth, Konoe started glaring at me once again.
Hii, this is not the time to be thinking about that.
In reflex, I tried to flee, but Konoe, who came chasing after me, immediately grabbed my shoulder.
Uwaaa! This girl, she’s crazy! It’s scary!
Both her eyes were shining like the summer sun!
Silently, Konoe closed her eyes, but she looked strangely nervous. I could tell from her trembling lips and her strong grip on my shoulders.
Uwaa! What should I do? I just don’t get it anymore.
And I still felt the aftereffects from what Suzutsuki had done just now. The chills and headache weren’t getting any better. And thanks to that, the entire world was still spinning.
My vision started blurring. All I could see was Konoe’s silhouette.
Lips soft as petals.
The small, pink petals were slowly approaching me.
“Aah—Yeah. Be careful, Subaru.”
When Konoe was only a few centimeters away, Suzutsuki opened her mouth. When I glanced to my side, I could tell that her expression was extremely serious.
“Without a doubt, he will put it in when you kiss him.”
Konoe spit out all the apple. Gyaa, the apple! Some of the pieces went directly into my nose!
While I was rolling around on the living room floor holding my nose, Konoe was coughing all over by my side.
“K-Kana-chan, don’t say such strange things so suddenly!”
“That… That he will ‘put it in.’”
“What? You were going to put the apple in his mouth when you kissed him, right? Or did you think that he was going to put something into you, Subaru?”
Konoe’s face suddenly became so hot that I wouldn’t be surprised if steam started rising up from her face. Or rather, it looked like it was already starting – as if she’d suddenly contracted a high fever.
Anyway, thanks to Suzutsuki, I’ was saved. Just for the record, that was quite the large spot I got myself into. This time, I’d been really close to losing my mouth’s virginity. No matter what, I can’t land myself in such foolish situations again.
“Okay, the second round is over. Looks like it’s my win again.”
The maid was already claiming victory.
I had no idea what the requirements for winning were anymore, but even I thought that it was fine giving the win to Suzutsuki this time.
Perhaps it was due to that tiresome event last night, but my body was feeling awfully numb.
I beg of you, please just get this match over and done with already.
“That’s why I’m the most suitable servant for this house. So, like you promised, could you please take your leave right away?”
Konoe couldn’t help but to hang her head after hearing Suzutsuki’s words. It seemed like she really didn’t want to leave my house. Well, it was probably completely due to her not wanting to go back to Suzutsuki’s mansion.
“Hey, how about just returning to the mansion?”
Konoe raised her head in surprise to my words.
“Why? Even you’re telling me to do that?!”
“Well… That’s because… You see, I have no idea why you refuse to go back, but it’s something personal, right?”
And she just can’t stay here forever. What she needs is something to push her towards that decision. I think that this is a good time to give her that reason.
“Or do you plan on staying at my house forever like this?”
“That… That is…”
Uuh, Konoe started to whine.
“You are Suzutsuki’s butler, right? Then, get back to the mansion…”
It was strange. My mouth stopped moving all of a sudden.
Konoe looked at me with a worried expression, but my vision was blurry, and I couldn’t see anything at all. The chills and that headache from earlier were running wild inside my body.
My body is extremely hot.
Looks like I really have a fever.
“Jirou… Are you okay?”Konoe asked, her tone conveying her uneasiness.
I was trying desperately to reply to her question. When I realized that, I was losing consciousness.
(1) A game where two people take a sweet stick and put both ends in their respective mouths and start eating.
(2) Famous baseball player.
(3) Central Midfielder.
(4) Probably a reference to the Tokyo Yakult Swallows a Japanese pro-baseball team