Chapter 1 – A Butler Came To My House.
Chapter 1, Part 1
There probably isn’t anyone who doesn’t know what day today is.
It was Golden Week.
Today, May 1st, marks the middle of Golden Week.
If you think about it calmly, you could say that we are close to the middle of the long holiday’s ending.
But right now, I don’t want to open my eyes to such an unhappy reality.
Yeah—from now on…
My Golden Week is starting today!
I don’t think this is a late start.
As proof, I am bursting with happiness like today is the last day of the Tokushima Awa Dance Festival.(1)
That’s also why I didn’t sleep yesterday night. My mind’s engine was overheating and my body couldn’t relax.
I calmly checked the clock in my room.
The exact time was just half past eight.
By my calculations, it was almost that time.
Almost the time for her to come.
I calmly lay inside my bed, waiting for her to visit like she was a short distance runner armed with a
That scene had already become daily training in the Sakamachi household.
The curtains of my shining Golden Week were thrown open like a storm by the commanding order of the people of my house…!
“Gooood mooorning! Good morning! Nii-san!”
The door to my room was opened together with a lively voice. Honestly, it’s a wonder that the door didn’t fly off its hinges. Standing there was a shining girl with brightly colored, short-cut hair. Stylish black sportswear. A petite stature like a little chick. Big eyes and a smiling face reminiscent of fireworks bursting over the sky.
Without a doubt, that was the entry of my little sister.
She came running with all of her might towards my room’s work desk, shouting in a lively voice. Then she stepped on the desk, using it as a support for… a back flip?!
That was a famous pro-wrestling move. While rotating backwards 270 degrees in mid-air, her body that had almost touched the ceiling was now making a beautiful arc.
Then—my sister yelled. In mid-air, of course.
“The crescent moon that her body traced out as she flew through the air was the bridge of glory.”
No, this is different from pro wrestling. Besides, that saying seems slightly outdated.
My brain desperately tried to tsukkomi in vain while that small silhouette overlapped my body, making an ‘X’.
Moonsault press. Also known as the “Lunar Hydrogen Bomb”. The body that was calmly flying over fell flat on my abdomen.
“Uwaii! Good morning! Nii-san!”
“Go- good morning, Kureha…”
I somehow caught my breath and greeted her back.
Hmm, how should I put it…
As if this wasn’t frightening enough, this was my daily life.
My mother is a pro wrestler, and my little sister is a martial arts maniac. Because of this, I have grown up with over ten years of experience as a sandbag.
The worst part is that she doesn’t have any bad intentions. Yeah, there are a lot of incidents like that, right? Like that case of the tamer who was severely injured from playing with the killer whale in the aquarium show.
Essentially like that.
A human and a killer whale.
It wouldn’t be strange to use that as a comparison between Kureha’s and my own combat ability. As for her, she is only having fun and playing, but for me, it’s a life and death matter.
Thus, the appearance of my little sister made my bed a ring of blood, but this was related to my special condition.
Since I was five years old, I have been used as a sandbag by my mom and little sister. Thanks to this cruel childhood, I have become weak enough to the touch of a girl that I could die from it.
To speak in a concrete way, it’s not like I get high blood pressure when a girl touches me. Even so, my body still releases a nosebleed. My body is simply rejecting female contact.
Of course, today won’t end here, will it?
Starting now—Kureha, who was covered in blood, will freeze and a brutal show will start.
This morning, my little sister was different from usual.
Normally, she would come at me with her real pro wrestling play. I don’t know why, but she started hugging me tightly from the side.
“…H, hey, Kureha?”
There was so much of a difference from her usual behavior that I asked a question without thinking.
The answer was silence.
With her tiny arms wrapped around my hips, Kureha was simply entrusting her weight to me.
Or rather, looking like a house cat drunk from silver vine(2), she went as far as to rub my cheeks together with her chest.
This is bad.
Well, if you compare this with the usual deadly wake-up routine, this is far better… I feel like I can somehow open my eyes like this.
A light weight. A soft and fluffy feeling. The slightly bittersweet smell of flower-scented shampoo.
Even though she is my sister, the person who is riding on my body right now is a girl.
That’s why it’s bad.
*zowa**zowa* I started getting goose bumps and the area around my nose started to become hot.
Without a doubt, they were signs of my gynophobia reacting.
If this continues, a nosebleed will erupt, and I will faint—
“… Nn… Isn’t that enough already…?”
Right when my consciousness was on the verge of flying away, Kureha got up and hopped off my bed.
“Okay. Thank you, Nii-san.”
“What do you mean, ‘Thank you, Nii-san’. What were you doing?”
*zee**zee* I asked that while catching my breath. That was close. Two seconds more, and my consciousness would have blacked out.
When I asked that, Kureha tilted her head.
“Errr…to say it plainly, I was charging.”
“That’s right. Starting today, I will be in a place away from Nii-san for a while. For the sake of not feeling lonely there, I supplemented myself with Nii-san energy.”
“What is Nii-san energy…?”
“Nyahaha. Thanks for the meal. Thanks to it, I managed to completely recharge. Now I feel like I can go to the end of the galaxy!”
Doing this kind of embarrassing thing. Are you some kind of space battleship?
“And… How was it, Nii-san? Does this jersey look good?”
Kureha turned round and round to show off her jersey.
No matter how you look at it, it was a sports jersey. And on the back was printed:
“Rouran Academy Handicrafts Club” in white letters.
Why is Kureha wearing this in the early morning? That’s because today, the Handicrafts Club is going to go to a training camp confined in the mountains for three days and two nights.
Why does the Handicrafts Club need a jersey? Isn’t the locale of the training camp fundamentally strange? There are various points to tsukkomi on, but in this case, let’s ignore it.
And what’s more, for three days and two nights.
Of course, Kureha is going to be away from home during this period.
In other words, in fact this is…
“…Eeh? This, this can’t be real. Nii-san… Don’t tell me that you are crying?”
“Aaah, I just got a little…emotional…”
I took off my glasses and wiped the tears from my eyes while saying that, but that alone didn’t stop the tears from coming. How long has it been since the last time I cried tears of joy…
“I see… Sorry for not realizing that. Since I’m leaving for the training camp, Nii-san is going to be lonely.”
“There’s no need for you to say that. Just pack your things and go.”
“Nii-san is pretending to be strong.”
“I’m not pretending. Do you want to use a lie detector on me to confirm it?”
“Take good care of the house by yourself. I will definitely bring back presents for you.”
“I don’t need them. …Or rather, why are you guys going to a mountain range now of all times?”
In this time and day, even martial artists don’t do that anymore, and Kureha’s not even in a martial arts club. She entered the Handicrafts Club! What are they going to do confined in a mountain range? Are they going to make some kind of ‘applique’ with the local nature?
“Aah, to tell the truth, there’re some people living close to the mountain that we are going to, and they said ‘Please come and visit us.’ So we are going to answer their request.”
“They said, ‘Lately, the bears that have woken up from hibernation have been rough and are causing trouble in the fields! Please, somehow exterminate them!’”
“They should have asked the Hunting Club to help with that sort of thing!”
“Well, since our Handicrafts Club is too strong, it can’t be helped.”
“What do you mean, ‘it can’t be helped?’ Even the Karate Club that won last year’s national tournament wouldn’t accept this request.”
Something has to be done. I’ve been thinking about it before, but the Handicrafts Club of our academy had already veered off of the normal path ages ago. Isn’t the objective of this training camp just a hunt in the mountains?
“So, are things really okay with your club activities? Are you really doing decent activities?”
“Well, you are the Handicrafts Club, right…? Then shouldn’t you be doing things like embroidery, knitting, making stuffed animals…”
“How about a delinquent hunt?”
“I see… Did you say a delinquent hunt!?”
Are they really doing that!? The Handicrafts Club!? A delinquent hunt?
“This is embarrassing. We are just clearing the streets a little bit.”
“Don’t say it as if you were doing volunteer cleaning activities! Stop with these dangerous things!”
“Nnya? Huh, don’t tell me… Nii-san, are you worrying about me?”
“Yeah, I am worried. Not about you, I mean the delinquents, you know…”
Kureha vs. delinquent. It’d be like throwing a rocket on an ant farm. It would be a completely one-sided slaughter.
“Then, bye, Nii-san. I have to go now.”
“Okay, okay, try your best not to become a bear’s emergency food.”
“Okay, I got it!”
Kureha turned towards the door, waving her hands rapidly.
Aah, today starts the solitary life that I had dreamed about. What freedom! Right now, my house has suddenly changed from the dwelling of a wild beast to a peaceful standard house.
“—Ah. I was careless. I forgot to say an essential thing.”
Kureha, who was about to leave my room, suddenly turned back towards me.
She put her hand in her pocket and pulled out a bright red apple.
Is this one of the ones that our relatives from Aomori had sent us in large quantities?
“Nii-san. It’s not like you’re allowed to bring girls to our house just because I’m not home, understood? If you do something like that…”
*Gyuu* Power started to flow into Kureha’s fingers… Heh, uooh! Th, the apple! The Fuji apple we got as a present turned into scrap in one second!?
“This will happen, so prepare yourself, okay?”
Kureha licked the apple juice off her fingers with a grin on her face.
… I won’t.
I won’t bring either a girl or a cat home.
I made a solid decision in my heart while looking at the warped apple.
“Okay. Now this really is bye-bye, Nii-san. When I come back home, I will bring back a bear’s pot of honey for you to eat, so look forward to it!”
Then Kureha left my room while waving her hands.
A few seconds later, *Slang!*the sound of the entrance door being closed could be heard from the second floor.
“Aah, she is finally gone.”
I peeked below my bed with a sigh.
Okay, it’s not like I’m going to read erotic books because my little sister is away from home.
Last month, Kureha found the erotic book that I hid down there. For this reason, my secret collection is now is hidden underneath the false bottom of the second drawer of the study desk.
Besides, even Kureha wouldn’t think that there would be a lethal weapon hidden in the depths of a hiding place that she had already found.
*Gon**gon* I started to pull ‘that thing’ out from underneath the bed.
A white vinyl bag was revealed. I could faintly see the outlines of a round object inside.
Yes— Cup ramen.
This is truthfully my ultimate weapon!
Also, this is an Ace*beep*ook Super *beep*up(3).
Well, you know.
I am conscious that I’m murmuring nonsense.
But this mountain of cup ramen that was inside of the vinyl bag was my most valuable treasure.
After all, in our house, we have nothing other than apples to eat.
Last month, we were only eating kimchi, but late in April, a little while before Golden Week began, our daily diet suddenly switched to apples.
“Lately we have been getting a little fat, so from now on we’ll be trying out an apple diet.”
With those words of my little sister, my diet met with tremendous devastation.
Ooh, the apple diet really is incredible. My weight is reducing even more and more. I am losing weight like a determined boxer on a strict diet. As expected, my chin will be ruined soon.
That’s why I have this cup ramen.
Usually, you would think that I could eat this every day since they sell it at the convenience store, but that wouldn’t go so smoothly.
The little monster of our house, Sakamachi Kureha, hates cup ramen.
She says that the nutritional balance isn’t good.
Even if she says that, I think that the nutritional balance of a diet of only apples or kimchi is even worse. Even so, she doesn’t let me voice any objections about it. In the Sakamachi household, the strong ones are those who control the blazing, savanna-like world. The powerless ones are incorporated into the food chain. My place in this household is like that of the hidden Christians of the Edo period.
I want to eat out, but since I don’t have the financial ability to do that, I will have to stick with eating cup ramen. But I don’t care about that since I love cup ramen. I couldn’t help but to stock up, waiting for this day.
Then, I will go boil the water.
I will eat, fill my stomach, and sleep once again. My lifestyle will become a mess, but it isn’t bad, either. This is an error of youth, so God will forgive it.
Aah, what liberty. And also degradation.
From now on, my shining Golden Week will begin. I will pass my holidays by being lazy like a real adolescent guy should.
I decided that in my mind and tried to leave my room with the cup ramen in my hands—
The sound of my cell phone ringtone resounded in the room.
That magnificent melody was undoubtedly— the theme of the movie “The Godfather”.
Without thinking, I froze, holding the cup ramen in my hands.
There’s only one person who has this set ringtone.
The representative of my class, a genuine ojou-sama, and only daughter of the academy’s director.
It’s too bad that that in actuality, she’s a wolf in sheep’s clothing. She acts like an honors student, but inside, she is a Komodo dragon(4), an animal with freezing, bright blue blood.
To tell the truth, ever since I started my second year of high school, I have started to encounter some unhappy moments.
Drowning at the leisure land(5), getting beaten when I was kidnapped, running from my little sister and my classmates who wanted to kill me… There’s nothing good to remember.
During these unhappy incidents, I started to think that this Ojou-sama was causing these problems just to pick on me.
What do I do?
The cell phone was ringing on the bedside as if it were trying to tell me that it was there.
I have the feeling that I shouldn’t answer it.
I have the impression that the moment I answer this cell phone, my shining holidays will be blown away like a bowling pin.
But to not answer would be worse.
Because the caller was Suzutsuki Kanade, it wouldn’t be strange if collectors from the black market raided my house.
If you think about it that way— answering the phone would be better.
After thinking about this for about ten seconds.
I quickly ran back to my room and checked the cell phone screen as if I was going to disarm a bomb. And on the screen were the symbols for “Devil Suzutsuki”.
*Suha* I breathed in deeply as if I was doing Indian yoga.
At least, let’s try to keep cool.
Let’s not be shaken by anything she says. I’m sure that in order to talk to the woman on the other side of these radio waves, I will need a will of steel.
This is not a talk between a wolf and a piglet. Even if a foreign enemy enters, I will have a strong mind.
If you want to come, then bring it on.
I made up my mind, and then pressed the button to answer the call while hiding a strong ambition.
“Now, Jirou-kun. I wonder why my ring tone is the theme of The Godfather.”
“How did you know that?”
Without thinking, I politely mocked her.
…Damn, I can’t do this.
What about a strong mind?
I had blown it away in a single breath…
“Well, if you were going to do that, you could at least have used the Darth Vader theme. That one would have fit my image better, you know?”
“Aah, you also think so? Honestly, I had also debated between those two until the end… Wait, that’s not the point! How do you know the sound of my ringtone?”
Even though I didn’t tell anyone about it. Don’t tell me that she is some kind of esper? If that’s true, she can also bend a spoon with her mind and fit her entire body into a travelling bag, can’t she?
“I don’t have such useful powers.”
After lightly focusing on my thinking processes, Suzutsuki continued.
“If I use the security cameras and the eavesdropping microphones that I had installed in your house, knowing what your ringtone is would be an easy thing, wouldn’t it?”
“Clearly, there’s a problem with that!”
“I had a hard time, you know? The number of cameras installed in your bathroom was one hundred and twenty units.”
“Jirou-kun. You always start washing below your armpits.”
“You really did install them!”
“By the way, Jirou-kun. You really should change the place where you hide your adult books. You hide them below the false bottom of the second drawer of the study desk, right?”
“Please stop! Don’t spread any more of my personal information!”
“Sorry about that. But right now, this is being broadcasted live on Nico *beep*co videos.”
“But don’t worry. We are controlling it properly.”
“Plus-seventy. People less than seventy years old can’t watch the video.”
“That degree of difficulty is too high!”
“Only the people who have already passed through the bittersweet moments of life can see it. Your daily life is like this, isn’t it?”
“How high is the hurdle in my life…?”
Well, I have the impression that my daily life is a little different from that of a normal person’s.
But distributing it on the net is cruel. Maybe there was someone commenting about the tsukkomi just now.
“It’s okay. Those were all lies.”
“To tell the truth, everything that I know was what Kureha-chan had taught me.”
“By the way, when I said that I would buy a Garigari-kun(6) for her, she kindly told me everything I needed. What a docile little sister you have.”
In what way is she docile?
She is the kind of little sister that exposes personal information about her family.
And what’s more, for only one Garagari-kun.
“But leaving that alone…”
Suzutsuki sighed as if to settle things.
“Jirou-kun, you have more deviant tastes than I had expected.”
“That double page was incredible. Boys really do enjoy those kinds of things.”
“Be careful, because if you are too deviant, you’ll start to attract attention from the girls.”
Holy crap! I ended up asking for advice about my tastes from a classmate.
“What’s wrong? You only had your fetishes discovered by one of your female classmates.”
“Shut up! Don’t tell everyone about it! It’s embarrassing!”
It’s too cruel. Why do I have to hear about my bad erotic tastes from my classmate in the middle of my Golden Week?
Shit, it’s all her fault! Be prepared, Kureha! This time it’ll be me who’ll search your room.
“I don’t think that you should do that. Invading and searching a girl’s room on your own is a crime. I don’t need to be an esper to imagine what you’re going to do after this.”
I know that. But there are times when a man can’t turn back.
Or rather, I would like to ask for you stop reading people’s hearts so naturally. Your intuition is too good. You’ve got to be a mind reading esper. How about working in the FBI in the future?
“Then, what do you want? Did you just call me to give me advice about my tastes?”
You sure work hard. If you could give some nice advice about the politics of our country, it would be a great help. I have the feeling that our economy is not doing well.
“The truth is, there’s a little problem.”
“Well, an insignificant problem… By the way, what will you do now?”
“Eat my cup ramen and go to sleep.”
“… It means that you have free time, right?”
Don’t simply say that. For me, this is my long awaited alone time.
“Then, what is the problem?”
Suddenly, *ding dong*.
The doorbell sounded.
Looks like someone came to pay a visit.
“Sorry, Suzutsuki, someone came to visit. That said, I will end the call.”
By the way, this came at a good time since I wanted to cut off the call.
That should be a newspaper salesman or some kind of religious invitation. Doing that even during Golden Week, they sure have spirit.
“So? I understand.”
Right after that, Puu— the call was ended.
Huh? It might just be me, but I think that she cut the call too easily. I wonder if the problem was really that small?
“… Heh, what a pain!”
*Pi pon pi pon pi pon* the doorbell was ringing furiously. It’s a technique of Taka*beep* Meijin. It should be a high-spirited new newspaper salesman or a super religious fanatic.
“Okay, okay, I will be there in one minute.”
I went to the entrance hall while complaining and opened the door.
I was only wearing shorts and a T-shirt. It’s a rough appearance, but there should be no problem. I don’t need to put on good clothes to meet with a complete stranger.
“Good morning, Jirou.”
On the other side of the opened door.
There was an unexpected person standing there.
A body elaborately made like a doll and the graceful face of an antique doll. Brilliant tied-up hair, crystal-like pupils, and a clear alto voice, called [Subaru-sama] by the students of our academy, she is the untouchable bishonen.(7)
There’s no doubt that the person who was currently standing in the entrance hall of my house was Konoe Subaru.
But… Somehow, her clothes are strange.
Tight pants, a vest and a tailcoat.
A butler uniform.
No matter how you look at it, it’s a butler uniform. Plus, she’s carrying a large sports bag. Well, she works as a butler at Suzutsuki’s household, so it’s normal… But what I want to know is why she came to my house on a holiday dressed like that. Don’t tell me that she is here to keep an eye on me.
While I was petrified, not understanding the situation, Konoe seemed nervous and kept moving her eyes around suspiciously.
Our glances met.
An eerily silent mood was spreading in the entrance hall—
“Let me stay here.”
The one who broke the silence was Konoe.
Wait a minute.
Didn’t she say something inappropriate just now?
Let me stay here?
Aah, there’s no way. Why would Konoe want to stay at my house? I probably misheard her. Then, what did Konoe say just now? Maybe “give me tomatoes”(8)? But why tomatoes? Is she going to participate in the annual tomato throwing festival in Spain?
“If… If you didn’t hear it, I will say it one more time.”
Konoe acted completely firm and said.
“Let, let me… Stay at your house from today onwards!”
Suddenly, I had some kind of headache and started hugging my head right there and then.
Right in front of my eyes was Subaru-sama.
The previous statement should have been so embarrassing that she turned bright red like a boiled octopus. And her eyes were completely covered with accumulated tears.
What do I do?
Right at that moment, I was struggling to find an answer.
Once again, the ringtone of my cell phone resounded.
The theme of The Godfather.
Aah, I’m saved. This is the meaning of a Buddha in Hell. I took my cell phone from my pocket with an uneasy feeling, and with that thought, I pressed the button to answer the call.
“—With that said, I’m leaving Subaru to you, Jirou-kun.”
With that sudden out-of-the-ballpark home run, my brain instantly turned into a chaotic vortex like the Koshien stadium(9) during the middle of summer.
(2) Silver vine, or Actinidia polygama, is a plant found in Eastern Asia. It is similar to catnip, but produces more intense results.
(3) A reference to Acecook Super Cup, a brand of cup ramen in Japan. Apparently, it’s really delicious.
(4) A Komodo Dragon is a species of lizard that can be found on the Indonesian islands. It is the largest species of lizard, reaching 3 meters (10 ft) and weighing approximately 70 kilograms (150 lb).
(5) A water park.
(6) It is a brand of ice cream.
(7) It means “pretty boy”.
(8) Konoe said 泊めてくれ (let me stay overnight) of which the pronunciation is close toトマトくれ (give me tomatoes).
(9) The Koshien stadium is an extremely famous baseball park in Japan where the National High School Baseball Championship is played.